hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
