I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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