im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
