im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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