Soap is not a condiment
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just want nice things and good sex
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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