I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
