my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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