Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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