so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
