I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The uberlube is also flammable
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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