it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
