we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
