So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
