Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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