dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
