I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize