I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
