Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
