I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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