if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
