So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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