You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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