why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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