his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
that may or may not have been my penis.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
