i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
