the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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