I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me too!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
