im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
