Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
