Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
