Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
