Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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