I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
