We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
