I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
