The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
