I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Randomize
