I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
