We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm getting married
To pizza
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
