I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
