I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
