Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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