you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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