My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
