i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
