Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
where are my eyebrows?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
