Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
