I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
