I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude i'm inner monologue high
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
