my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
