but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How naked do you want me to be?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
