The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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