I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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