I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
