it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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