Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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