yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
